Thursday, July 1, 2010

— How to Become Anorexic —

— How to Become Anorexic —
1. Chew lots and lots of gum.
2. Suck on ice or chew it multiple times a day.
3. Exercise at least 3hrs a day, everyday, even if you are sick or tired or injured.
4. Brush your teeth 4-5times a day.
5. Drink at least 10 glasses of water everyday.
6. Only eat with your fingers.
7. Don’t eat processed foods.
8. Avoid all sugar, carbs, sodium, and fat.
9. Stop buying pads and tampons because you won’t need them anymore.
10. Purchase strong conditioners for your hair, as your hair will become dry and brittle.
11. Cut your hair short now, so you won’t be so emotional when it all begins to fall out.
12. Buy anti-acids in bulk and never leave home without a stash in your purse.
13. Take up a new hobby now to help ease the impending insomnia.
14. Purchase ankle weights to wear when you visit the doctor.
15. Learn how to effectively “water load”.
16. Find comfort in being constipated, bloated, and gassy.
17. Invest in skin lotion designed for extra-extra-extra dry skin and get used to applying it LIBERALLY multiple times a day.
18. Be prepared to look pale and have people ask you if you are feeling okay.
19. Brush up your math skills, especially in the area of addition.
20. Layers, layers, and more layers.
21. Carry an extra blanket in the back seat of your car… regardless of the season.
22. Get your nails done professionally or keep them painted at all time to hide your blue nail beds.
23. Start coming up with good excuses for passing out so your friends and family won’t worry.
24. Learn to love the taste of Green Tea.
25. Keep a tight schedule, planning every minute of everyday.
26. Collect low calorie recipies.
27. Read cook books for breakfast.
28. Start having conversations with your stomach to help pass the time between crumbs.
29. Look only at barely dressed pictures of skinny women in magazines who have all been “photo shopped”.
30. Don’t develop an allergy to Splenda, Aspertame, or any other fake sweetner.
31. Become a vegan or vegetarian, just to limit the foods you can eat.
32. Become fond of the taste of warm water.
33. Buy an industrial grade coffee pot.
34. Carry around a water bottle everywhere you go.
35. Keep moving around because every little movement burns calories.
36. Weight train, in addition to lots and lots and lots of cardio.
37. Get an “anorexic username” to show your pride (aNaRulz, ana4eva, thin4me, nofathere, anabitch09, anagurlbonez, bonez4meonlee, etc…).
38. Outwardly deny having any problems whatsoever because anorexia makes you perfect.
39. The only chocolate that you will ever enjoy again will be made by Ex-Lax.
40. Don’t get your eyes checked when you notice them blurry because this is normal.
41. Others might think you are scared because you shake so much… going along with this assumption will make your life much easier than telling them the truth.
42. Always buy your clothes one size smaller than you need so you will remain uncomfortable in them until you lose the weight.
43. Eat small bites as slowly as you possibly can.
44. Don’t multi-task when eating – only focus on the food.
45. Drink 3 tall, overflowing glasses of cold water (not ice water) before you consume anything with calories in it (solid or liquid).
46. Wear lots and lots of lipstick because you will eat less to avoid smudging it.
47. Avoid juice, unless you make it using your own juicer.
48. Turn your computer screensaver into a food porn slide show.
49. Don’t drink any soda that is not diet and or calorie free.
50. Bad breath means you are doing a great job being anorexic because it means your gut is rotting.
51. Exercising when you are tired will give you more energy in the short term.
52. Caffeine pills work better than vitamins and have less calories.
53. Weigh yourself before you eat, after you eat; before you shower, after you shower; before you pee or poop, and after you pee or poop.

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